Gunner's Claw Forum

[Grey Cat]

Yeah, a joke thread. Possibly the most unoriginal idea on the internet, excusing Word Association games and the like. I recently subscribed to a joke newsletter and these are some of the better ones I've received. Note that some of these are M rated.

After our last child was born, she asked me to cut back on expenses, so I gave up drinking beer. I wasn't a big drinker anyway. Then I found a receipt for $45 for makeup. "Wait a minute! I gave up beer; you haven't given up anything!" She replied, "I buy makeup so I look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" ...I don't think she'll be back.

Two sweet little old ladies were walking through a museum when they got separated. When they found each other, Annie said, "My, oh my, Sarah! Did you see the statue of that naked man back there?" Sarah replied, "Yes, I did. I was shocked. How can they display such a thing? The genitalia were huge!" Annie replied, "Yes. And cold, too!"

Two medical students saw an old man walking with his legs spread far apart. One student said, "He has Petry Syndrome. It makes people walk just like that." The other replied, "I don't think so. He has Zovitzki Syndrome. We learned that in class." They decided to ask the old man. "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice how you walk, but we can't agree on your condition. I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you were wrong." The other student offered, "I think it's Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you were wrong." The students said, "So, what do you have?" The old man grimaced, "I thought it was gas... but I was wrong!"

An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone. "Somebody broke into my car and stole the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. I'll send an officer to you right away." Seconds later, the same lady called again. "Disregard that previous call, please. I was in the backseat!"

Little Johnny asked his Mom, "Why does Daddy eat light bulbs?" His mother laughed. "What makes you think that he eats light bulbs?" Little Johnny said, "'Cause the other night, when I was listening outside your room, I heard Daddy tell you, 'Turn out the light, honey, and I'll eat it!'"

A 300-pound woman was a true boxing fan, so much so that she hired a tattoo artist to give her a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one leg and Mohammad Ali on the other leg. He got to work and when he finished, he proudly told her to take a look. "What have you done?" she cried. "That doesn't look like Mike Tyson! And that doesn't look like Mohammad Ali! I'm not paying for these. They're terrible!" The tattooist was angry and offended. "They do look like them! I've never had anyone complain before!" He thought a moment, and then suggested, "How about if we go outside and ask the first person we see. If he thinks these are good likenesses, you pay. If not, they're free." She agreed. The first person they found was a wimpy little guy who looked scared to death of the two of them. She hiked up her skirt, showed him the Tyson tattoo, and asked, "Look, buddy, just tell us the truth: who does this look like to you?" He hesitated and then softly said, "I don't know." Triumphantly, she showed him Mohammad Ali. "Great. And who does this look like to you?" Not wanting to offend this mountain of a woman and her tattooed companion, the wimp stuttered, "Uh, I don't know that one either… but that one in the middle is Don King!"

Why is pubic hair curly? So you don't put an eye out!

A Mexican family needed a nursing home for their grandfather, but all the Catholic homes were full. Fortunately, they found a nice Jewish nursing home. After a week or so, they came to visit. "Poppa, how do you like it here?" "Oh, it's wonderful! Everyone is so courteous and respectful," he told them. "That's great, Poppa. We were worried that maybe you wouldn't fit in here. After all, you are a little different from everyone else here." "No, no, it's wonderful," he said with a smile. "They treat us so well. Why, there's a musician here who hasn't played in 15 years, but everyone still calls him 'Maestro.' And there's a judge here who hasn't been on the bench in 20 years, but everyone still calls him 'Your Honor.' And there's a physician here who hasn't practiced medicine in 25 years, but everyone still calls him 'Doctor.' And me? I haven't had sex in 30 years, but they still call me 'The F**king Mexican!'"

Snow is a lot like sex; you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.

After a long day in tech support, Mike was looking forward to unwinding. But in popped Cindy the blonde. "My laptop's broke," she complained. Mike sighed. "What's wrong?" "Every time I leave it running, when I come back, it's turned off and won't turn back on until I plug it in!" Mike looked thoughtful. "It sounds like an OFSBCAK error. Leave it and I'll have it ready for you in the morning." Cindy left her laptop, content that her problem would be corrected. Meanwhile Rob looked over from the next desk. "Mike? What in the hell is an OFSBCAK error?" Mike grinned, "An error Originating From Somewhere Between the Chair and the Keyboard!"

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

On the young couple's wedding day, each was apprehensive because there was one secret they had never shared. The groom asked his father for advice. "Dad, I love my fiancée very much, but she doesn't know about my foot odor and I'm afraid she'll be put off by it." His dad counseled, "Just wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." The bride asked her mom. "Mom, I love him so much but when I wake up my breath is awful and I'm afraid he'll be put off by it." Her mother counseled, "Don't worry; every morning, don't say a word to him but head straight for the bathroom and brush your teeth immediately." They accepted the advice, got married, and settled in for their wedding night. All went well until the next morning, when the husband awoke with a start and felt that one of his socks was missing! Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed, which, of course, woke his new bride, who, without thinking, cried, "What are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped. "You swallowed my sock!"

Albert Einstein's birthday was March 14. Few remember that, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919, the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal. He said he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed and he thought that attraction was stronger if there was a DNA connection between the two parties. He called it his Theory of Relative Titty.

The new mental hospital inmate announced he was British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly troubling because the hospital already had another "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist considered this dilemma but put the two men in the same room, hoping their delusions might help in their cure. The next morning, the doctor summoned his new patient, who announced, "Doctor, evidently I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson." "Wonderful," said the doctor, pleased that his plan had worked, "Who are you?" The patient replied, "I'm Lady Nelson!"












Post some jokes you guys like, preferably not copied off joke sites.
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http://claw.ben-ts.net -- The Belated Claw Fansite

How about NEVER? Is NEVER good enough for you?

[snow-jemima]

this is from school among my friends (nicknames here XD)

after lunchbreak...
miu (who has a crush on a guy from school) : got chewing gum?
jemima: you know, you don't have to kiss him now...

ok, that was lame...

[Grey Cat]

If you thought it up on the spur of the moment, no. Actually it's pretty good.
_________________
http://claw.ben-ts.net -- The Belated Claw Fansite

How about NEVER? Is NEVER good enough for you?

[snow-jemima]

[Grey Cat]

Teh mroe jokes!!1

Cindy said, "My boyfriend prepared an eight-course dinner for us last night." "Wow!" replied her friend, Beth. "What did he serve?" "Two hot dogs and a six-pack!"

After an intense two-week criminal trial in a high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally returned its verdict: "We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts." The defendant's friends and family jumped for joy. The defendant's attorney turned to his client and asked, "Well? What do you think about that?" The confused defendant replied, "I'm not sure. Does this mean that I have to give back all the money?"

A man stood before a judge, charged with necrophilia. The judge said, "In my twenty years on the bench, I've never heard a more disgusting, immoral act. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!" The man replied, "Easy: she was my wife and she acted just the same. How was I to know she was dead?!"

Little Johnny was walking with his dad when they saw two dogs humping. "Daddy? What are those dogs doing?" The father said, "Making a puppy." Little Johnny didn't mention it again until a few days later when he walked in on his parents making love. "Daddy! What are you doing?" His father replied, "Making a baby." Little Johnny said, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy!"

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye. Roon sirbees. Morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?" G: "Uh. yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow july den?" G: "What?" RS: "Ow july den? Pryed, boyud, poochd?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please." RS: "Ow july dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS: "Hokay. An sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS: "An toes. July sahn toes?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes?" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RS: "Toes! Toes! Why jew don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G: "No. just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter. Just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS: "Copy? Tea? Meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS: "One minnie. Scramah egg, creasebaykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy. Rye?" G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G: "You're welcome."
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http://claw.ben-ts.net -- The Belated Claw Fansite

How about NEVER? Is NEVER good enough for you?

[DzjeeAr]

I didn't get the last one O.o
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http://www.geocities.com/captainclawslair
~~~But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly, because you are treading on my dreams.~~~

[Grey Cat]

It's a joke only people from English-speaking countries would get.
_________________
http://claw.ben-ts.net -- The Belated Claw Fansite

How about NEVER? Is NEVER good enough for you?

[DzjeeAr]

This one I found rather amusing and worth sharing:

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The $@!#ing funeral director would be my guess?!"
_________________
http://www.geocities.com/captainclawslair
~~~But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly, because you are treading on my dreams.~~~

[Grey Cat]

Tis good.

The dentist told his patient that her X-rays showed he would have to drill her painful tooth. She grimaced and said, "Oh, no! I hate drilling! I'd rather have a baby!" The dentist replied, "Well, make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair!"

A three-year-old went out to the barn with his father to see the new litter of kittens. Soon, he came racing into the kitchen. "Mommy! We have two boy kittens and three girl kittens!" "Great, son, but how do you know?" "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it must be printed on the bottom!"

_________________
http://claw.ben-ts.net -- The Belated Claw Fansite

How about NEVER? Is NEVER good enough for you?

[Grey Cat]

New bunch of jokes.

At the wedding reception, it was the groom's turn to speak. He turned to his new father-in-law and began, "You've given me a gift that..." As he paused to carefully choose his words, his father-in-law interjected, "…that you can't return!"

Scatter one hundred bricks in a room with an open window, send in your newly hired employees, close the door, then return at the end of the day and analyze the bricks. If they counted the bricks, put them in accounting. If they counted and recounted the bricks, put them in auditing. If they messed up the bricks, put them in engineering. If they arranged the bricks in a unique way, put them in planning. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations. If they are sleeping, put them in reception. If they broke the bricks to tiny pieces, put them in information technology. If they are sitting and talking about the bricks, put them in human resources. If they claim to have tried different combinations, yet not a brick is moved, put them in sales. If they have already gone home, put them in marketing. And finally: if they are just sitting around talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, put them in upper management.

The boss complained in a staff meeting that he didn't get any respect. The next morning he taped a small sign to his door that read, "I'm The Boss." When he returned from lunch, he found that someone had stuck a Post-It on his new sign: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

"Doctor, my husband tells me my vagina is too big. Would you examine me and tell me if you find it unusual." "Of course. Take off your clothes." She did and soon the doctor shouted: "What a giant pu$$y! …giant pu$$y!" The woman angrily snapped, "You didn't have to say it twice!" The doctor said, "I didn't!"

A woman taped a photo of a near-nude swimsuit model inside her refrigerator to help her lose weight. It worked well to remind her of her goal; she lost ten pounds in a month. Unfortunately, her husband spent so much time checking out the photo inside the fridge that he gained fifteen pounds!

As a thirsty man sat down at the bar, he overheard the man beside him order, "Another Waterloo." The bartender brought the fellow a tall, well-iced drink and then asked the newcomer what he wanted. Assuming he had latched on to a specialty of the house, he said, "I'll have a Waterloo." The bartender brought him his drink and he took a big drink. "Hey," he said, "this is no good. It's got no taste at all!" The man beside him looked at him and then said to the bartender, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hurrying to the tax collector's office, he paid his bill, and apologized about overlooking the first notice. "Oh," confided the clerk with a smile, "we don't send out first notices any more. We found that second notices are much more effective!"

A sex therapist was doing research at a local college when one of his male volunteers told him, "When I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing." "Really? How interesting. An optical reaction to sex. May I take a look at it?" "Sure," said the volunteer, as he stuck out his tongue!
_________________
http://claw.ben-ts.net -- The Belated Claw Fansite

How about NEVER? Is NEVER good enough for you?